I tell my kids that whenever they start to get whiny or upset, there’s this crazy human instinct to smash things that feel weak – especially if you yourself feel weak and want to feel better. It’s in animals, too. Like, when someone whines about something, our minds will go to this place of like, “GET OVER IT” and we’ll feel like smashing that person. I believe this is also what precipitates bullying. Feeling crappy about something, seeing someone feeling crappier because of your actions gives you this power.
I want to talk about a time when I gave my power away — and why it taught me to stop.
The Pandemic Broke Me
When COVID hit, I had two kids in preschool and a brand-new, expensive business that was shut down on and off for 14 months, barely limping through another six. The world felt like it was unraveling—political division, the Black Lives Matter movement, Trump shaking my faith in what I thought I knew about America, people screaming at each other over masks. My employees and contractors were angry, and I didn’t have answers for them.
I lived in abject terror from 2020 to 2022. I was glued to the news, scrolling forums, trying to do something—anything—that would help. My husband would take the kids for a week at a time, and I’d just cry. I started a lobbying group with my peers. We didn’t move the needle much, but at least we got access to information. Still, every time I woke up to a “yellow light,” I had to scramble to open our business for a week before it shut down again.
I went grey. I wasted money on phone games just to disassociate. I started a Buy Nothing group just to feel some kind of connection. I even ran for local office, then considered running for state office. I abandoned projects I’d run for 20 years. I said no—a lot more.
Then, I Rebuilt
Somehow, I got through it. The business survived—and even thrived—because the architects of the PPP and EIDL loans had the foresight to keep the economy afloat, and I had the ability to use them. My kids avoided the worst of learning loss because they were so young. I won some business awards. I met politicians who shaped pandemic recovery.
But more than that, I refused to ever go back to that version of myself.
All my stress, my rage, my fear—it changed nothing. Things played out the way they would have without my panic. Yes, my husband and I both lost a parent, and misinformation about vaccines didn’t help in either case. We lost money, took on debt. But in the end? We’re better off now.
And looking back, I see it clearly: I gave my power away.
Don’t Do What I Did – Keep Your Power
Here’s what I’ve learned about holding onto your power in overwhelming times:
- Be in the moment and accept what is – this book helped me a lot. “In it, he has this key line “‘Let it go’ is actually another way of expressing, ‘Accept it fully.’” Pain is caused by inability to accept what is. Inability – you might literally not be able to, go do the self work that allows you to get there. Get Headway and read summaries of books, therapy, whatever.
- Get off social media as much as possible: it’s meant to make you scroll – and it feels like the real world, but we weren’t meant to see that much, hear that much, and feel that much and it’s so very bad for us, don’t you want to live – don’t you want to look outside and appreciate what you have, in this moment?
- Limit your news consumption – news is not carefully vetted and researched anymore unless you’re looking at a Sunday paper or a weekly news magazine. The news makes money by getting you to first, click, then sit and read. I was once in journalism and left when it became apparent that reporting was going that way (back in the early 2000s) based off the reasons story pitches were rejected. I recommend New York Times and the Christian Science Monitor.
- Recognize that important things move slowly – People can say things, or take actions, and you’ll spend a month stressed about the outcome, typing in your forums or talking about it in your circles, but if you take that month to process it and evaluate facts, you’ll grab your power back. We can’t undo some hasty actions, but we can repair the fundamentals with time and care. Don’t feed your flight or fight instincts and take time to look into more.
- Do your own research (For real) – ha ha, I know, this phrase is bad. I will write an article about what responsible research looks like so you can understand what’s really happening and not let the news and forums and quick reactions slowly kill you with stress. We are getting really lazy in that we pick someone we like to filter the news. This is bad.
- Politics is a sport for many people – there’s a winning side and a losing side and the fan base acts the same. It doesn’t mean they’re going to be violent and hateful in real life, but when it comes to their team, it’s fun to fly the flag and talk some shit.
- Don’t feed the trolls – a lot of people who feel weak in their lives (because honestly, if you’re fulfilled, why does this excite you) love to say things to stir the pot and rile people up to take their power. It’s obviously been a problem on the Internet: “I won’t read all that. Free Palestine.” “Libtard.” And we’re seeing people being emboldened to do it in real life. If YOU get upset by it, you lose your power and you give it to them. Here’s what to do instead.
- SUPPORT the people doing good work – like, go out of your way to send a thank you letter or drop off a treat. Especially your elected representatives. It’s a lonely, thankless job, that’s frankly kinda scary right now for most, no matter which team they’re on.
- Learn negotiation tactics – A key to getting what you want is not always being honest and open but to knock your opponent off-kilter. Go read the 48 Laws of Power and Never Split the Difference. Read them, understand them, and employ them, or not, but learn to recognize the signs of them in play.
- Use history as your anchor – ask questions and really look back and see what happened when this happened before. What led up to it, how was life during it, and what happened after.
Final thoughts
The world is chaotic. It always will be. But you choose whether you hand over your power to fear, trolls, politicians, or bad news cycles.
If I learned one thing from the pandemic, it’s this: The things you stress over today may not even matter in a year.
Hold onto your power. Spend it wisely. And whatever you do—live your damn life.